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Song Parodies -> "99 Problems, Football Manager's Lament"

Original Song Title:

"99 Problems"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Jay-Z

Parody Song Title:

"99 Problems, Football Manager's Lament"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

What if... Jay Z took over as the new manager of some football team, a team with a few issues, but the ground staff are brilliant.
I'm pleased to be here, now the season's begun
Sure that I'll have my problems, but the pitch ain't one

I got a big fool standing there in the goal
Won't even bend down to pick up the foot-bowl
Been nutmegged more times than a Squirrowl
Ain't only a hole there, there's a whole a-hole

There's give and take, back four only give
Making up a defence with more holes than a sieve
I've got two wing-backs who can only flap
And a number two who plays like crap

Sweeper's a disaster as he's not that fast
He can't run with the ball and he.. can't pass
All the fans on the stands are shouting "move that arse"
Turns the beautiful game into a fumbling farce

Having seen him play, I would like to state
Our creative midfielder cannot create
Can't pass, can't shoot, can't score, can't run
I got 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one, shitty

99 problems, but the pitch ain't one
You think this is bad - uh uh, I've barely begun
I got 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one, hit me


We've a lousy left winger, he's a total loss
I've yet to see a single well-delivered cross
The guy on the other side, he's so right wing
He wears swastikas and goose-steps.. that kind of thing

Front page: the striker's been snapped with a whore
And it's the only .. way he's ever going to score
Been on the pitch for ten hours, or maybe more
Since his record fee left the whole club feeling poor

It seems that no one hits when anyone shoots
So who've I got to bring on as substitutes?
Old-timers half of whom are even older than me
Even the youngest one is forty-three

Now the owner tells me that he's changed his mind
There's no money available, unable to buy
That's not exactly what he said when I signed
Was all just one huge, enourmous great lie?

Now the man in the black is trying to act hard
It's like confetti, those yellow and red cards
I complained, so got sent off in a fit of pique
I've only ten players left to field next week


But look at that grass, it's like perfection
It's the ideal surface to play the game on
But we're out-passed, out-classed and out-shone
I got 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one, got me

99 problems, but the pitch ain't one
What do you mean, you want a transfer out, son
I got 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one, Dippy

99 problems, but the pitch ain't one
What, you lost your licence for doing a ton?
I got 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one, Zippy


Now once upon a time, not too long ago
A manager of football was trusted to know
All the little details of what's going on
At the club, but now.. just blink and he's gone

The people ignore me, don't do what I say
Won't do a thing for me or get out of my way
But I know the last laugh is going to be mine:
Relegation, bankruptcy then a 15-point fine

The supporters' club'll give you a knee to the groin
Must be a racist and a homophobe before you can join
I hope I don't come across as antagonistic
But they're chauvinistic, and sadistic, misogynistic

Now they say it's me causing disrepute
Paparazzis snapped me with a prostitute
There's a front page interview with my wife
..and my mistress, F.M.L.

I don't know how we can stay in the top flight
'Cause the groundsman's the only one doing his job right
If he left, my troubles would then number a ton
I got 99 problems but the pitch ain't one, trippy..

99 problems, but the pitch ain't one
Halfway through the season and the team hasn't won
I got 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one, sack me

99 problems, but the pitch ain't one
Having crowd trouble, fans're violent scum
I got 99 problems, but the pitch ain't one, hit me.

End of the season and we still haven't won
I got 99 problems but the pitch ain't one, ha ha
Who's crazy 'nuff for this job? Not this boy



Pacing note: there are some places where the flow matches the original, but most of it has been phrased to make it singable rather than perfectly in time with the OS.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 2

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