If you havin Quidditch problems, I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

I got a death patrol try'na eat my soul
Foe that tried to make sure my crib was cold
Ministers that say, “He’s back? Well who knows?”
He killed my friend stupid, should be a case that’s closed.

If you grew up with holes in your cousin’s clothes
You’d celebrate the minute when the magic showed
I’m like, "Try’n catch me, you can kiss my Firebolt"
If you don’t like my tactics, listen, "Crucio!"

Got beef with Slytherin 'cuz I ain’t choose to go
They can hear me hiss, well I’m a lionheart SO!
Rit’ Skeet’ try to break my chainmail
So all her readers’ll see me as a tragic fail… haters!

I won’t end up in A-z jail
Instead, I’ll be upon the throne, the king they hail
I’m the boy who lived, muggles, I ain’t done
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.
Dobby!

99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one
If you havin Quidditch problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.
Dobby!

The train was steamin up, and my trunk was tossed
Met a fe-male smarty and a ginger lookin lost
I got two homies now, and I’d soon make some more
Some from the Gryffin’ and some others from the ‘Claw.

Now I ain’t tryin hard to exaggerate the case
But I helped a few pupils fight for goodness’ sake
As I stroll silently at night in the hall I heard:

[SNAPE]
[“Boy, do you know why I loathe you at all?”]
‘Cuz my dad and his friends and I’m Gryffindor?
Do I look like Hermione sir, look some more
Either take off some points or kindly let me go!
[“Well I’m a scheming plotter too, pretty soon you’ll know.”]
Caught some muggles’ attention when we borrowed a fly car

[PROF. UMBRIDGE]
[“Are you usin your wand at home?
Well we don’t care ‘bout the scar!”]
Lonely summer’s the pits, to my safety commit!
[“Well do you mind if we intercept your owl for a bit?”]
Now my love for Hogwarts is low, 'cuz its Head-m is a B
And I do await the safe return of Dumble-the-d

[PROF. UMBRIDGE]
[“We are all under attack!
You sympathizing with mudbloods or something?
We want the purebloods or nothing!”]
Hah, I barely passed my OWLs but I know a little bit
Enough to stop real evil if it should hit.
[“Well, we’ll see how brave you are when Dementors come.”]
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.
Dobby!

[x2]
99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one
If you havin Quidditch problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.
Dobby!

Now once upon a time, couple years ago
A wizard like myself was a real playa for Cho
This is not a playa in the sense of playin some Quidditch
But a playa in the magic realm of love, she was MY witch.

I tried to implore her to go to the dance
My wand broke, 'cuz Cedric had taken my chance.
You know the type, bright as a Lumos light
He’s gonna live ‘til ever or the end, RIGHT?

Still single and peakin when I get to seekin and
All the witches gon' be creepin on the weekend.
And there I am: front page of Wiz-Beat again
Fold-outs that sizzle like some raw meat again

Ron’s on the floor, laughin again
And Hermione’s in restricted, crackin them.
Ron will cry, and all his giggles gonna end
When he sees that Ginny’s more than just a friend.

'Til the end, I’ll quell ev’ry evil whim
Beat a couple Bludgers, Quaffle through the rim.
Now I’m whippin out my wand, but it ain’t for fun
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.
Dobby!

[x3]
99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one
If you havin Quidditch problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.
Dobby!

You’re crazy for this one, James
It’s ya boy!