Neonates!
Let's go play g-a-a-a-ames!
(Kiddies!)
I loathe these babes!

Class, sit down in a group for discussion
If you are under eight, I'm telling you something
Ditch your crib, grab your bib and rush in
All you infant bubbies with your teddies and pink cushions
Paper and pens taken from all my office drawers
With glitter markers, some chalk and a box of straws
Will make a mess on the floor as you mix through
Some milk, ink and flour until it's in a thick dough

Before kindergarten, fun class should be taught
But each kid has got lots of snacks to be bought
Must teach you young friends what isn't permissible
You're all fiddling with chemicals that prove immiscible
Each tiny mind reciting the alphabet
Is a kid with know-how, acquiring the wealth of it
I'll teach you things like some neat multiplication
(But your skillful knack at breaking my windshield is quite enragin'!)

Preschool work! It is just berserk!
They're drawing on the floor!
Lots of splattering, they scrawl over the walls with their snot
All the spatter on the carpet will leave hundreds of spots
I loathe preschool work with its lullaby songs
Will this paint ever wash from my shorts?
Class is only eight hours long, but drags on for millions
Handed back to mum, quick now or I will kill 'em all!

Urgh! If you dumb brats would just sit and learn
And be active in thinking during classwork
I would be factually helpful with the answers
Teachin' you times tables, new words and maths, yeah
But in preschool, you spastic freaks
Keep eating the paint off your plastic seats
Play-Do isn't edible and neither is Katie
Reciting the states? Nice try, Greg, There's not eighty

Hate it when I read Dr Seuss poetry out
Kids get restless and start hitting, so I shout
"Right, pests, I will sit your lil' asses
In the damn corner, you nasty brat kids!"
Can't smack tots with belts to teach them a lesson?
"NO!"
What? Not! Don't plead that I'm a child molester, yo!
Jeez, discipline is something we need to teach all babies
They're possessed fiendish demons of evil!

Preschool work! It is just berserk!
They're crawling up the walls!
All the rattles and the bawling and the soiling of jocks
During naptime, mop their vomit of chewed-up Lego blocks
I loathe preschool work, they're so foul when they're young
They love to crayon colour my car
Class is only eight hours long, but drags on for millions
Handed back to mum, quick now or I will kill 'em all!

Little babies can be impishly frightful
In a pack, masticating teething rings like tigers
They'll eat wire, too, chomp tin like can recycling
Despise bathing any time, like Norse Vikings
I try to calm down all these fiends with clothes smeared
Somebody gave them raspberry cordial? Oh dear
Going hellish, mad, it's a lewd mutiny!
Can't be rational with a kid who's lived for four years
"Poo!"
"Now come on Joshua, stop sucking your thumb.
Let's sit down for a lesson. Sheila, spit out that old gum."
"Story time!"
"No, young ones, it's time for a nap."
"Okay being taught by you is boring and crap!"
Bastards.

I should confess I'm just wishing it would go like that
Really, they just run around freely as I nap, yo
It's mad raising young
Nursery songs, pink bandaids
Lesson plan long gone
I've got diapers to change eurgh!

Preschool work! It is just berserk!
They're drawing on the floor!
Lots of splattering, they scrawl over the walls with their snot
All the spatter on the carpet will leave hundreds of spots
I loathe preschool work with its lullaby songs
Will this paint ever wash from my shorts?
Class is only eight hours long, but drags on for millions
Handed back to mum, quick now or I will kill 'em all!

Loco rascals, these wee rugrats, yeah
They'll feed the cat chess-pieces. Crazy
Stupid brats, I keep teaching maths to
"Don't pee in the classroom!"
Jesus, save me

Threw Mother Goose in the rubbish can
Let them play with their teddies and their dollies, man
Don't drill them, they're children
Nature wants "em covered in paint and filth, man
My work in preschool may sound like it's pure lunacy
But those little rowdy tykes show how bright our future gleams!
Now, kids, these walls shout "grease me, please!'