Last night,
I couldn’t even get a ringtone,
I got a call,
But my song, it didn’t play,
And I’m sittin’ here,
In a deep depression,
But this song feels,
Like a smash hit in the wild,

(I know this is catchy,
You can sample this,
It’s a perfect ringtone,
Buy this for your phone,
For 99 cents),

Oh, I released once,
I released twice,
People thought the songs were nice,
But they’re dried out,
With nothing to say,
I’m shooting with this new parody,
To make dumb comedy,
Fit for MTV,
Can’t make it too smart,
Or it’s not considered art,
I’ll leak the MP3,
And sample P. Diddy,
And, baby, come buy this right away,

Last night,
I couldn’t even get a single,
(I said I couldn’t get a single, baby),
I waited here, but the execs didn’t call,
(But that didn’t stop me),
And I’m sittin’ here with this blank expression,
(I was looking half asleep),
And it was revealed,
Like it was Biblical,

I need you,
Well, your money,
But you never liked me,
So I will stop confusing you,
And write simple and stupid tunes,
(I will),
If you could only see,
My brilliant comedy,
You’d love it so much,
You’d throw me all your bucks,
But it is plain to see,
You’re as smart as a tree,
So here’s a song you’ll love right away,

Last night,
(Oh! Last night),
I couldn’t get on a talk show,
(Craig Ferguson’s not calling you, baby),
I tried it all,
But the culture let me down,
(This is an excuse for variety, oh!),
So I’m sittin’ here,
In a deep depression,
(Don’t say another boo hoo),
The way I feel,
Makes me want to punch a child,
(I so, no, I so went there, baby, oh),

Tell me words to say,
To make you come back,
And buy up my track,
And if it matters, I just don’t care,
I sold out completely back there,
Expect songs about racing cars,
And lovely women hopping bars,
Just feed me,

Last night,
I couldn’t even get on iTunes,
(I’m getting rather tired, is the song almost…oh),
Called Apple,
But they really let me down,
(Ooh, I called them, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby…),
So I’m sittin’ there,
With some guy from India,
(Over there just south of Pakistan),
I could barely hear,
Much less make out his dialogue,
(Hello? Can you hear me?),

I need you,
To buy CDs,
And order up my DVDs,
And I will never let you down and,
Sing ‘bout my toes in the sand,
I will,
If you could only see,
What’s left of my dignity,
This song is just trash,
But it’ll get me cash,
My songs are not for free,
But buy them legally,
So I can win Emmys some day,
Hey,

Last night,
I couldn’t even get a phone call,
(You’ll just have to trust me on this one, oh),
And now they call,
My phone is never down,
(Oh, it’s really hard to sleep, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby),
So I’m sittin’ here,
Writin’ ‘bout obsession,
About some chick,
That I supposedly somehow know,
(It’s so, it’s so corny),

So why don’t you pick up your phone,
And dial my number,
And sign me today, please,
I’ll sellout for you,
Why don’t you pick up your phone,
And dial up my number,
Just call me and listen,
The ring is my tune,

(Hello?
HELLO?
Oh, what’s up?
I’ve been trying to reach you all night,
Yes, I do know what time it is,
I just have to know whether or not you have Prince Albert in a can,
Well then…
You’d better let him out!).