I have no proficiencies in guns or blades, can't handle any hammer's weight
So to go into real crimefightin' seems crazy
But my own go-to tactic, think you'll find that it's unique, which is just fine
Need a gimmick to grab eyeballs lately
Don't have a way with speed, okay, got no crazy strength, I'm strange
I'm super basic to the core
Don't even have the funds to make, cool gadgets or a steel frame
So what flare do I have in store?

I'm fightin' with a plunger (yes, the kind that you jam in toilets, it's crazy)
I'm fightin' with a plunger (won't believe I need no-one to save me)
I'm not insane, this is my way to beat bad guys, they can't take
Gettin' beat by a janitor
Though I don't face all the big names, Thanos would crush me to paste
But random thugs? Beat by the score

You might assume there's great technology hidden within this staff but see
I did tell you: I'm not made of money
There's no gizmos, just a stick to hit your face, a broom or mop would work the same
But those are too long, no bo staff trainin'
And I can't make the time to train, my work takes up my whole day
But I've made note of that for sure
Should learn more ways so I can face other bad guys but I'll stay
With my theme, just screws with them more

I'm fightin' with a plunger (I could make long versions, though they'd look crazy)
I'm fightin' with a plunger (make some nunchucks, who would wanna face me?)
I could go ranged with arrows shaped like you-know-what on their face
A whole mob blinded on the floor
The threats they've made suddenly fade, hard to take serious, mate
When I beat them since I'm a dork

Don't think I'll ever get all the fame (I doubt that I'll be a household name)
Like Iron Man or Thor, won't share their stage (they'd never want to stand near me)
But I don't care, I just want to clean up crime (take it lit'rally, it's true, can't deny it's true)
When villains stink, can't stand by (no, I refuse to lose)

I'm fightin' with a plunger (I don't care if it makes me look super crazy)
I'm fightin' with a plunger (but my need to help folks comes first, matey)
Worst is the wait to get a name, choosin' yourself is real lame (ah-ah-ah)
It won't catch on, always seems forced
But even if I have no name, just "that freak who breaks your face" (ah-ah-ah-ah)
I'll still get what I do this for
While fightin' with a plunger