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Song Parodies -> "Near Bald"
Original Song Title:
"Keelhauled"
Original Performer:
Alestorm
Parody Song Title:
"Near Bald"
Parody Written by:
Phil Alexander
The Lyrics
If you've ever wondered what a thrash metal sea shanty with synthesised accordion and fiddle sounds like, wonder no more. Written for the One Week's Notice challenge (see messageboard for details>
My friends, I stand before you
To tell a truth most dire
When I get out the shower, now
I never need to use the dryer
Don't need no conditioner
My shampoo lasts for many months
No I am not a hairy man
Look, must I say this more than once?
I'm baldylocks, I'm Homer Simpson
I'm Ian Duncan Smith
It grows everywhere else instead:
There's precious little on my head
Near bald, so call me slapheaded
Unlike what grows down below!
So to be completely frank:
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Near bald: I'm follic'ly challenged
Got a cue ball on my chrome dome
More Vin Diesel than Hil'ry Swank
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
I used to have long, curly locks
The girls were envious as hell
Like something from a shampoo ad
But now my head's smooth as a shell
When sun doth shine upon my pate
It never tans, it burns ya know
Wear factor 50 like a hat
And hope that bright white shite don't show
So get over my combover
Say I'm adorabald
I do not think on this with dread
Who cares what's left upon my head?
Near bald: I'm full Bruce Willis
Sayin' "alopecia"'s apropos
Head that's smoother than a plank
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Near bald: not chemotherapy
Keratin ain't gonna grow
Not so much manqué as mank
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Not so much "crown pattern baldness"
More like "coronet"
An idea to which I'm not wed
Is having hair upon my head
Near bald: my hair apparent
Is never gonna be afro
Not so much "slaphead" as "spank"
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Near bald: it's my flesh yarmulke
Yeah, I know it grows so slow
I'm not just playin' a silly prank
Never toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
To tell a truth most dire
When I get out the shower, now
I never need to use the dryer
Don't need no conditioner
My shampoo lasts for many months
No I am not a hairy man
Look, must I say this more than once?
I'm baldylocks, I'm Homer Simpson
I'm Ian Duncan Smith
It grows everywhere else instead:
There's precious little on my head
Near bald, so call me slapheaded
Unlike what grows down below!
So to be completely frank:
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Near bald: I'm follic'ly challenged
Got a cue ball on my chrome dome
More Vin Diesel than Hil'ry Swank
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
I used to have long, curly locks
The girls were envious as hell
Like something from a shampoo ad
But now my head's smooth as a shell
When sun doth shine upon my pate
It never tans, it burns ya know
Wear factor 50 like a hat
And hope that bright white shite don't show
So get over my combover
Say I'm adorabald
I do not think on this with dread
Who cares what's left upon my head?
Near bald: I'm full Bruce Willis
Sayin' "alopecia"'s apropos
Head that's smoother than a plank
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Near bald: not chemotherapy
Keratin ain't gonna grow
Not so much manqué as mank
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Not so much "crown pattern baldness"
More like "coronet"
An idea to which I'm not wed
Is having hair upon my head
Near bald: my hair apparent
Is never gonna be afro
Not so much "slaphead" as "spank"
Not a toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
Near bald: it's my flesh yarmulke
Yeah, I know it grows so slow
I'm not just playin' a silly prank
Never toupée or wig but an "oh, Hell, no"
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Voting Results
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Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| Pacing | How Funny | Overall Rating | |||||||||
| 1 | 5 | 5 | 5 | ||||||||
| 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 4 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 5 | 4 | 4 | 4 |
User Comments
Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.
Going bald in my teens and fully bald now right before I hit 30 I feel your pain brother! You did a heck of a job with this tune! Love the "oh Hell no!" bit and many of the clever baldness puns! Well done!
This lament of too little on the top was over the top! Great parody, Phil.
"I used to have long, curly locks" - I actually find that image more scary than baldness, I think. And "hair apparent" was clever (had to google a bit to get it).
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