'Madam, you have an instrument between your legs that could bring pleasure to thousands, yet you insist on sitting there and scratching it!'
- Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor, to a cellist with whose performance he was displeased!

How do you keep two flute players in tune....
Shoot one of them!

I went to a seafood disco last week....
and pulled a muscle.

What do you throw a drowning Bass player?
His amp!!

What is the difference between a viola that got run over and a skunk that got run over?
The skunk had skid marks in front of it....

Why did the Trombone player break up with the Violinist?
A: She kept 'stringing' him along!

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
It is harder to hit a moving target!

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound!

'Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in his car?'
'No, what happened?'
'They had to break a window to get the drummer out.'

A Banjo player walks into a Jazz Club carrying his instrument. After a few minutes, one of the Jazz players opens his eyes and the Banjo player asks for his money back.
As he is walking out, the Jazz guy asks 'Hey Banjo, how come you guys only ever use three chords?'
'I don't know' replied the Banjo player 'maybe the same reason you guys always have to rent a singer'

A Musician in an orchestra forgot the time of their next performance, so he rang the Conductors office and asked to speak to the Conductor. He was told that he had passed away earlier.
He hung up, considered this for a few minutes, then rang again.
He got the same reply. After the fifteenth time, he got the reply 'Look, he's dead! Why the hell do you keep ringing us!?'
'I just like to hear you say it' replied the Musician.

A Scotsman who lived in the Loch,
Had holes down the length of his cock,
He could get an erection,
And play a selection,
Of synonymous tunes of punk rock

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, 'I'd like to look at the accordions, please.'
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says 'All our accordions are over there.'
After browsing, the drummer says, 'I think I'd like the big red one in the corner.'
The store owner looks at him and says, 'You're a drummer, aren't you?'
The drummer, crestfallen, says, 'How did you know?'
The store owner says, 'That `big red accordion' is the radiator.'

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the land, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says 'Very bad when the drumming stops.'
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going on and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. 'Very bad when the drumming stops,' he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree and shouts 'What happens when the drumming stops?!'
'Bass solo.'

A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus. He sets the octopus down on the bar and says 'I'll bet anyone in here a drink that my octopus can play any musical instrument handed to him.' The guitar player on stage says 'I'll take that bet' and hands down his axe. The octopus takes it and whips through Joe Satriani, Jimi Hendrix and Jimmy Page tunes, note perfect to the originals. Next, a guy whips out the trumpet he just so happens to have with him and the octopus blows tunes to make Miles Davis and Louis Armstrong proud. About this time a Scotsman walks in, asking what all the hubbub is about. When he hears, he whips out his bagpipes. The octopus takes the pipes, turns them one way, then another, with a very puzzled look on his face. The Scot yells out 'Ha! Ye canna do it, can ya'?!' The octopus replies 'Sir, if I can figure out how to get her pyjamas off, I'm going to have sex with her!'

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him 'While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family and burned your house down.'
The violist replied 'You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?'

A woman and her friend are walking down the sidewalk when they come upon a frog. The frog looks up at them and says, 'Please help me, I'm a jazz saxophonist and a witch put a horrible spell on me and turned me into a frog. If one of you picks me up and kisses me, the spell will be broken and I'll turn back into a jazz saxophonist... I'll marry you, play you the most beautiful songs all the time, take you to all my gigs if you want, and we'll live happily ever after.' The woman picks up the frog, puts it in her handbag and starts walking away very quickly. Her friend runs to catch up to her & asks, 'Aren't you going to kiss the frog?!?!?' The woman replies, 'Hell NO! A talking frog is worth a hell of lot more than a jazz saxophonist!'

A young boy was involved in a car accident and was so traumatized that he became mute. His mother tried everything to get the boy to speak again...therapy, medication, hypnotism...but nothing worked.
Years went by without the boy uttering a word. Then, the mother heard of a Doctor on the east coast who was having success with a very unusual treatment. Figuring she had nothing to lose, she called and made an appointment. The mother and boy were led into a small, dimly-lit room where at the far end a Jazz band was set up.
The band began to play and the mother, perplexed, looked around the room for a sign that this was some sort of sick joke but the boy, the nurses and Doctor were all watching the band intently.
Soon, the Sax player took a solo followed by the Guitarist and Drummer. Finally, the Bass player took his solo when the boy suddenly turned to his mother and said 'Mum, there are so many things I've wanted to say to you'. The boy then jabbered and chattered on so much that no one could shut him up. The mother, tears streaming down her face, turned to embrace the Doctor saying 'This is a miracle, how ever did you do this?'
The Doctor smiled and said 'It was no problem, everyone talks during the Bass solo.'

After the weekly Tuesday night rehearsal, the guitar player of the band wondered aloud, 'You guys think there really is a Rock-n-Roll Heaven?'
'I sure hope so,' they replied.
That weekend, after a rousing gig and a wild after party, the guitar player suffered a heart attack. He nearly died.
A couple of weeks later, he was well enough to start rehearsing again. After the first rehearsal, the drummer asked him 'So, you nearly died, did you see heaven? Was there a Rock-n-Roll Heaven?'
To which the guitar player replied 'Well, I have good news and bad news - The good news is yes, there is a Rock-n-Roll Heaven....'
'The bad news is, your gig is on Friday.'

An Irish band were doing a gig at a Dublin discotheque owned by their manager, Sam Frank. The gig was a great success and afterwards they all went out to dinner to celebrate. They didn't want to leave their instruments in the van for fear of theft so they decided to take them into the restaurant. The guitarist collected his guitar from the back of the van, the flautist picked up his flute but the harpist couldn't find her instrument anywhere. She was beside herself with worry
'What's the matter?' asked one of the band.
And the poor girl burst into song 'I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco'

An Orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which there was a particularly difficult Jazz trumpet riff. However, none of the Trumpet players could play it.
One Trumpet player suggests they hire in a Jazz trumpeter. The Conductor screams 'NO! NO!! NO!!! Jazz musicians are irresponsible, can't play in tune and are not real musicians!!!'
Finally, they talk him into it.
The next night at 7:57 (for an 8:00 rehearsal) the Jazz musician shows up carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The Conductor decides to wait until after to yell at him but the Jazz-man plays the riff perfectly the first time. The Conductor tries to thank him after rehearsal, but the guy is gone.
The next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the same way, with the guy actually playing the entire first Trumpet part - perfectly.
Finally, the Conductor grabs him after rehearsal and says 'You know, at first I didn't want to hire you because I thought Jazz musicians were irresponsible and couldn't play in tune but I must say you have changed my mind. Thank you.'
The Jazz-man says 'Well, man, I figure it's the least I could do since I can't make the gig.'

An excerpt from an old church bulletin: 'Our mixed chorus sang last Sunday in a regional broadcast from Minneapolis. It was nice to hear them and realize they were nearly a thousand miles away.'

Did you hear that a band was in a car crash?
Yeah, three musicians and a drummer had to go to hospital.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, 'I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?'
Keyboard player replies 'Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!'
'Hmm" she says 'That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!'
Keyboard player responds, 'Well, that's how you did it last night!'

Four musicians underwent an IQ test. After the test the four met and became acquainted. Three of them asked one what he scored and what he played. '160' said he, 'and I play lead guitar.' After further conversation about his instrument and how he played it, the second was asked what he scored and what he played. He replied '175. I play keyboards.' More conversation was enjoyed - 'Yeah? Korg? Roland? Jazz-rock?' The third was asked. He said, '180. I play bass.' 'Really? Slap? Fretless?' The fourth was asked. He said, '45.' 'Really? What brand of sticks do you use?'

God was interested in learning how well the people of the world were doing financially so He directed St. Peter to question the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates about their incomes while on earth.
A man in a business suit arrived and St. Peter said unto him 'Welcome to Heaven, we're doing a little survey here, how much money were you making on the earth?'.
The man replied 'As the CEO of a major corporation, I was earning £300,000 per year.'
Next, a glamorous woman arrived and St. Peter asked about her income.
She replied 'As an A-list Hollywood actress, I was making 20 million per picture.'
Then a long-haired young man arrived and St. Peter asked 'How much money were you making?'
The young man thought for a moment and replied 'Uhmm, I think I made about five thousand pounds last year' ...to which St. Peter replied 'So what gauge strings do you use?'

How can you tell when the bassist is playing his solo?
Even his girlfriend looks bored.

How do you know if a child playing in the playground is a jazz trombone player's kid?
...He can't swing and he's afraid to use the slide!

How do you know you are kissing a horn player?
He has his hand up your backside!

How do you sell absolutely anything to an 11 year old?
Write the word "urban" on it.

How many Bass players does it take to change a light bulb?? Why is it so dark in here??

What did the bass player get on his exam?? Drool .

What is the difference between dead a bass player and a dead skunk on the road?? There will be skid marks in front of the skunk.

How many country pickers does it take to change a lightbulb ?? 6....... 1 to change the light and 5 to write a song about how much they miss the old one .

How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to replace a light bulb ?
One .... the rest stand around and bitch because it's electric .

How many New Age musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't change the lightbulb. They nurture it until it has a healing experience.

How many professional trombone players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Professional trombone players can't afford light bulbs

How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, he just holds it up and the entire universe revolves around him

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One two! One two!

If you see a violin player and a conductor in the street, which do you hit first and why?
The conductor.... business before pleasure!

Inscription on a blues man's tombstone:
'Didn't wake up this morning...
Didn't feel too bad...
Last night was probably the BEST I ever had!'

Johnny to his mum - "I want to be a drummer when I grow up!"
Mum: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Me: How do you know if a drummer is knocking on your door?
You: I don't know. How do you know?
Me: He knocks too loud and comes in early.

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians with Their Translated 'Country' Definitions
12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.
A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.
Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama's cherry pie.
Altos: Not to be confused with 'Tom's toes,' 'Bubba's toes' or 'Dori-toes.'
Arpeggio: 'Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?'
Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
Bass: The things you run around in Softball.
Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.
Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.
Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.
Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.
Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
Clef: What you try to never fall off of.
Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.
Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
Cut Time: Parole.
Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
1st Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; 'Whew!' That was a major scale!'
Melodic Min.: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.
Minor 3rd: Your approximate age & grade at the completion of formal schooling.
Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.
Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
Pianissimo: 'Refill this beer bottle.'
Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.
Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.
Ritard: There's one in every family.
Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.
Tempo: Good choice for a used car.
Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.
Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
Treble: Women ain't nothin' but.
Tuba: A compound word: 'Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!'
Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

Q What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

Q What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A 'Hey, guys, why don't we try one of my songs?'

Q. How do you tell if a female vocalist is at the door?
A. She can't find her key and doesn't know where to come in.

Q: What is the first thing a female vocalist does in the morning?
A: Gets dressed and goes home.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: How can you tell the drummer died?
A: He stopped speeding up.

Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming but you can't do anything about it.

Q: How many Bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - one to do the job and the other three to wish they could have done it as well as Jaco Pastorius.

Q: How many Telecaster players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's too bright already!

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to screw in the lightbulb and three to argue about how Phil Collins would have done it.

Q: How many groupies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, the lightbulb is too small.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to screw in the lightbulb and three to say 'pffff, I can do that'.

Q: What did the dentist give to the marching band?
A: A tuba toothpaste!

Q: What do you call two Trumpet players and three Tuba players walking into a strip club?
A: Horny

Q: What has 3 legs and a 6 foot prick?
A: A drum throne.

Q: What is a monster's favorite song?
A: 'Ghouls just want to have fun'!

Q: What is a rabbit's favorite dance style?
A: Hip-Hop!

Q: What is the best song to sing to crocodiles?
A: Crocodile rock

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jumped up and down on a trampoline.

Q: What is the ultimate optimist?
A: A Trombone player with a beeper.

Q: What type of music do balloons hate?
A: Pop!

Q: What type of music does a mummy listen to?
A: Wrap music!

Q: What's the difference between a French Horn and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: Where can you play elastic guitar?
A: In a rubber band!

Q: Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music?
A: Because he broke a record!

Q: Why did the music teacher get locked in his classroom?
A: His keys were inside the piano!

Q: Why do skeletons not play music in the church?
A: Because they have no organs!

Q: Why do trumpet players only use one hand to play their instrument?
A: Because the other one is too busy!

Q; How many Bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, the Keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab. with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist and the third a musician. The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive and when thrown a bunch of milk bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations.
'Pretty good!' said the researchers 'but not conclusive!'
The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of milk bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas. 'Not bad!' said the researchers 'but still not conclusive enough!'
However, the results of the third dog WERE very convincing in proving that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners... for the musician's dog... came late, ate all the bones, made it with the other two dogs, then left early!

So... Two Tuba Players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!

They say most guys only have one girl...but a guitar player always has his pick.

What do pirates and trumpet players have in common?
They are both murder on the high C's!

What do you call a guy that hangs around musicians?
The drummer.

What do you do with a bad trumpet player?
Give him two sticks and make him a percussionist......

What do you do with a bad percussionist?
......Take one stick away and make him a conductor!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music!

What is better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ!

What is the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't!

What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the inside!

What is the difference between a euphonium player and a rhinocerous?
A rhinocerous has his own horn.

What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
Eventually the bond will mature and earn money.

What is the difference between a soprano and a rotweiller?
Jewelry!

What was the one chord that the mute guitarist couldn't use?
The vocal chord

What's half of a tuba?
A one-ba!

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
......Tossing a banjo into a skip without touching the sides.

What's the difference between a 12' pizza and a musician?
A pizza will feed a family of four.

What's the difference between a dead Trombonist in the road and a dead Country singer in the road?
The Country singer might've been on his way to a recording session!

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
The neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it!

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining!

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
People will listen to a fiddle
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer
Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
'cause nobody even bothers to take it out of the case

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching!

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe!

Whats the difference between a groupie and a toilet?
A toilet doesnt follow you around after you use it

Whats the difference between a road kill rabbit & a road kill banjo player?
There are skid marks before the rabbit.

Whats the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
...You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

Whats the difference between music producer and God?
God doesn't think he's a music producer!

Which is bigger, a viola or a violin?
They are both the same size, only the violin player's head is bigger

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use!

Why are trombone players better lovers?
Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers but trombone players do it in seven positions!

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones!

Wisdom of Children - More Exam Howlers

Refrain means don't do it.

A virtuoso is a musician with high morals.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Women are like pianos.....If they're not upright, they're grand!!!