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Music Jokes -> Classical

Jokes about Classical from the largest music humor site on the web. Check out the index for other performers we have jokes about.

A bunch of singer-songwriters were sitting around a bar in Nashville. One of them says 'I keep hearing about these guys Bach, Beethoven and Mozart. Anybody here heard of them?'
'Yeah' replies one of the songwriters 'I've heard of 'em ...but I wouldn't worry too much, all they ever did was instrumentals'

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: 'Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827.' Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. 'Don't you get it?' the caretaker says incredulously-
......He's decomposing.'

A very old conductor was playing his final (at last!) concert, when the first violinist was beckoned by a member of the audience. 'What's the old man conducting tonight?' The violinist replied 'I don't know what he is conducting but we are playing Beethoven's Fifth!'

Film producers wanted to make a movie about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
Honey-nut Berlioz
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous Classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
'Who do you want to play?' Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
'I've always been a big fan of Chopin' said Bruce. 'I'll play him.'
'And you, Sylvester?' asked Spielberg.
'Mozart's the one for me!' said Sly.
'And what about you?' Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
.....'I'll be Bach' said Arnie.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster, which he kept in his attic.

Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.

Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Most composers do not live until they are dead.

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's Last Movement.

While an orchestra was playing Tschaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet overture, an elderly man in the audience wept and wept.
'You must be an incurable romantic' said the woman seated next to him.
'No,' he said, 'I'm a musician.

Why couldn't Mozart find his piano teacher?
He was Haydn!

Why did Bach have twenty children?
His organ had no stops!

Why wasn't J.S. Bach at the classical concert?
Because he was Baroque

- Submitted by: Robert X Patriot

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