Articles -> Santa Claus Is Coming To Town 2004

Introduction: What's Santa going to bring various celebs. this year?

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Article by: Billy Parker

Yes, it's that wonderful time of year again. Holiday spirit is in the air. The church bells are ringing. There's a nip in the air. 'Tis the season for giving. Decisions decisions for what to give. This is so hard for the elite. What do you give someone who has more than you can ever dream of? Of course Santa surfs the Internet looking for clues for that perfect gift for entertainment headliners. One must be creative. 2004 was another special year in the music and entertainment industry. Let's try to make a list of gifts for some of our favorite people.

Jennifer Lopez---What do you give the girl who seems to have everything? A $400,000 Bentley, Oceanfront property, enough jewelry to make Tiffany's envious. And of course a handsome, rich and famous husband. One needs to comb through the entire enterprise to find the one thing missing. Just a little something for Christmas that People and Us and the National Inquirer failed to notice.--A JOB!

Nick Lachey--And what do you give the guy whom seems to have everything? A great job. A drop dead gorgeous wife. Cash, cars, the works. How about a little something to take along for those night out with the boys? ---A bag of skittles.

Clay Aikens--A little novelty gift for the gameroom--An electrostatic ball. Or is the dressing room?

Justin Timberlake--More Christmas cookie acts. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!

Ashlee Simpson--A gift to put an end to it all. A microphone that works.

Whitney Houston--Enrollment in driver's Ed classes. (Discounts for couples!)

Britney Spears--Britney should get anything her little heart desires. Lord knows her husband can't afford to get her anything. "Honey, can I borrow a few million to go Christmas shopping?"

Michael Jackson--Michael needs a fancy sign in book to keep track of all the guests he has at his Neverland home. Underprivileged children, cops, DNA experts, collection agencies for attorneys.

R.E.M.--This year's group to receive the paperwork to release a commercial box set.

Elton John--Airline ticket to the orient that doesn't stop in Taiwan.

Cher--A recording of the theme song to the children's show (Shari Lewis's) "Lambchop". Yes, that old sock knows a thing or two about farewell tours. "This is the tour that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends!"

Lisa Marie Presley--Stuff her stocking with some of the crap that has her father's name on it. But selling off the majority of the Elvis name, Lisa feels she has found the company that can help maximize (i.e. sell more junk) the Elvis name and revenue. Heaven helps us.

Queen--A good luck card. By hooking up with Paul Rodgers, Queen will begin a tour and bring to life music that has been dormant for too long.

Hillary Duff & Lindsay Lohan--A pair of boxing gloves. Let's end this once and for all. Can you say "pay per view?"

Gwen Stefani--Britney & Madonna's publicist phone number. Can we see more of you and less of them?

Janet Jackson--Her own line of clothing. Just look at the fashion trend she started at the Super Bowl.

Courtney Love--The perfect book for reflection on her last few years. Lemony Snickets, "A series of unfortunate events."

Victoria and David Beckham--A new religion.

Liza Minnelli--A padded cell.

As usual we can't cover everybody. Who else deserves a special gift this year? Let us know!

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Shiek Of The Mutilated - December 23, 2004 - Report this comment

I tell ya, Billy, Whitney's driving lessons are a ripoff. Her instructor is Billy Joel. :-D

Jonathan C. - December 23, 2004 - Report this comment

Here's a better gift for Liza Minelli : a lifetime membership from Jenny Craig. (Also good for Heart and Elton John.)

pickle - December 24, 2004 - Report this comment

I'd like to give Fiona Apple a deal with Voiceprint Records seeing as Sony sat on her third album since 2003. And I'd also like to give Kate Bush a diary so she can jot down the times she isn't busy enough to actually WORK for a living (she turned down work on an Ayreon album due to being 'too busy'). To Nicole Kidman - an agent who can sort out the crap from the decent film projects. And to French & Saunders - a good editor so they know what to put on the cutting room floor and what actually constitutes a show we can enjoy!

Kara F. - December 27, 2004 - Report this comment

Dear Person, It was great! P.S. I didn't feel like typing something long so I just said that. From, Kara he Tired Typer

Nikki .w - December 29, 2004 - Report this comment

Well I think it kracked me ^. def. But it think it coulda be a hell of lot ruder..teehee Me'z xoxo www.xanga.com/jaggedxxxdreams ( chek it out dude)

alana - December 31, 2004 - Report this comment

Robert Smith- A ticket to a David Bowie that he has yet to see. I do love Robert though. Speaking of concert tickets, my mom got 2 tickets to see Duran Duran!!

Emily - January 02, 2005 - Report this comment

Paris Hilton - Chastity Belt. :P

Scott No Last Name Given - January 03, 2005 - Report this comment

Bill O' Reilly - Bill shall be granted his own time machine, but will only be allowed access to it if he uses it to send himself back to before he was born and put a halt to his conception. The contestants on "The Biggest Loser" - This year, they each receive something better than a present of monetary value. They receive the joy and pride in knowing that they were able to work through their own personal troubles and achieve what so many of us have tried to accomplish over the years. But in case they aren't satisfied with that, each one of them will be sent a Mack truck filled with Krispy Kremes. Hootie And The Blowfish - The pop/rock 90's band will have the next two months of their electric bill paid in full. Mel Gibson - Mel will be given a revelation for his next cinematic project. It will involve a portrayal of the final four and a half minutes of Mama Cass' life, showcasing her brutal struggle against society and a ham sandwich. Frankie Muniz - The quirky star of "Malcolm In The Middle" will receive an inhaler containing a prescription medicine that will hopefully make his voice stop doing that squeaky thing it seems to keep doing no matter how old he gets. P. Diddy - You have to admire someone who's able to keep star status without actually doing anything over the course of three years. That's why P. Diddy will be sent a giant sack of gold coins with a dollar sign on it. Marc Anthony - Marc will receive a notice stating the exact date and time when his relationship with J. Lo will come to an end. That way he won't be surprised when it happens. The rest of us aren't going to be surprised anyway. Patton Oswalt - A free trip to Hollywood to make an appearance on "The Swan"...but don't get too excited, Patton; it's only a guest spot. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas - They will be set up on a luncheon date with Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, or as they will come to know them, "the only other people in the world who understand the age thing." Jet - The Australian rock quartet will be given various experimental instruments such as citars, vibraphones and shamisens so that they can get to their Sgt. Pepper phase earlier. John Edwards - An offer to host Saturday Night Live sometime next fall. Also maybe some English muffins, just because he seems so darn nice, you just want to give him a muffin.

PennyPyro - January 13, 2005 - Report this comment

Fred Phelps - a Bible with John 3:16 circled in it ("For God so LOVED the WORLD...") and a bar of soap with these instructions: 1. Open mouth. 2. Insert soap in mouth. 3. Scrub. 4. Rinse, and repeat if necessary.

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