Articles -> Psychic Friends New Years

Introduction: As we bid 2002 good-bye, and welcome 2003, let's look forward to what trends may appear in 2003.

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Article by: Billy Parker

With over 30 top 40 hits chances are Dionne Warwick will best be remembered as the infomercial hawker for The Psychics Friends Network. Given the notoriety and longevity of their relationship, maybe there is something to be said for predicting the future. Encouraged by such success in fortune telling we will take a look at potential happenings in 2003 in Ms. Warwicks "other" profession. After all it's impossible to be wrong. Let's take a guess.

The complete, uncut, uncensored American Music Awards broadcast entitled "Osbornes gone wild" will be the hottest selling video in the first quarter of 03.

In an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer Britney Spears will tearfully admit she was misinterpreted, to protect her innocence she'll claim she actually said "I have never had 'unprotected' sex before."

Jennifer and Ben will wed in May.....Divorce in November.

Dark Side of the Moon will reenter the charts upon the 30 year anniversary of it's release. Polls reveal 30% of all rock fans never knew it left the charts. (741 weeks)!

"The complete Blonde bimbo singers guide for Idiots," will make the New York Times best seller list. The casual observer will now have a hard copy reference for the actual difference between Jessica Simpson, Christina Aguilera , Courtney Love, Jewel, Britney and others.

In March a pompous, gray hair executive in a $1000 suit will explain to the music media (with a straight face) why The Clash will be going into The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame before Chicago, The Doobie Brothers, ZZ Top, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Paper Lace (just kidding).

The Super Bowl brings out competition at its highest level. Cutthroat is status quo when the stakes are this high. Behind the scene's people look for the slightest edge to crush the opposition and reach January's ultimate prize. Of course, there is a little football played before and after the half-time show. Once again promoters will prove previous years ostentatious displays will look like a grammar school recital when compared to this years extravaganza.

At the Super Bowl Yoko Ono will call a press conference to let everyone know John is to be given no credit/association with anything sung by Paul and Terry Bradshaw.

Given the enormous success of "Back in the US" the market will be flooded with DVDs from dozens of artists looking to follow suite. Like copycats from 35 years ago, they will soon discover-There is only one Paul McCartney.

A 60's band with 2 top 10 hits will announce their reunion tour. Two months into the "casino boat" circuit the shows will be canceled citing "Unspecified illness for the lead singer."

Long standing class action lawsuits against several major labels will finally be settled. You will receive a credit of 23 cents on your record club statement. The firm of Dewey Scrueham and Howe will retire in the Caribbean.

Guns and Roses will miss a concert in Singapore and blame it on the fact their new palm pilots don't account for the International Date Line.

Matchbox Twenty will be asked to defend why "More Than You Think you Are" only sold 6.5 million copies compared to over 10 for Yourself or Someone Like You.

The Grammy's will present 2 award to an artist nobody ever heard of. Three awards to an artist nobody can stand, and 4 to a classic rocker who should have gotten them 25 years ago.

The winner of the Michael Jackson looks alike contest will be revealed as a mannequin entered by FAO Schwarz employees from Manhattan.

Whitney Houston will confess to Barbara Walters that on her cellphone speed dial #1 is home, #2 is bail bondsman.

Previously unreleased photos and music from Elvis will hit sales floors all across the globe. And we thought there wasn't any left!

Spin-doctors will once again use "exhaustion" as euphemism for time in rehab.

A bootleg film of Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson will make its way all over the Internet. Coors will cancel The Kids endorsement contract when bottles of Michelob Light are spotted on the nightstand in the background.

Here we really go out on a limb. There is a slight chance the remaining members of Zeppelin will deny the rumor they are reuniting with Jason Bonham on drums.

John Densmore and Robby Krieger of The Doors will prove once again, in the rarest of cases, that loyalty and integrity cannot be bought. With the highest dollar amounts offered to date, they will refuse to sell out Doors music for advertising and commercial purposes. "Jim never would have done it and neither will we." Amen.

Every day in 2003 will give chance that some of this will come true. After all, musicians rarely live conservative lives. But one can't think of every possible circumstance. (Even Dionne has to go out on tour to supplement her livelihood.) What do some of our other "psychic friends" think might happen in 2003? Remember that nobody's been proven wrong yet!

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The next article is: "We're an American (in roots) band"

The last article was: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

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Jonathan C. - December 31, 2002 - Report this comment

LOL! Another good artical BP. And speaking of blondes that are hard to differentiate: Jewel, Renee Zellweger, and new "Bachelorette" Trista Renn. Were they all separated from their natural mother Connie Stevens?!!

My name is Kenny - December 31, 2002 - Report this comment

Really good article, but I hope you don't honestly think that the Clash shouldn't have gotten in before those other bands you listed. But in case you do, the reasons why the Clash got in first: Chicago spent the entirety of the eighties destoying whatever reputation they had. ZZ Top, while a great band, is nowhere near the groundbreaking status of The Clash. Lynyrd Skynyrd, unfortunately, has to live down that redneck trash image they have, which is unfair to them, but hey, what can you do. The Doobie Brothers... I'm not even going to dignify that one. Maybe you meant the Allman Brothers.

Jonathan C. - January 05, 2003 - Report this comment

Now, now, Kenny, The Doobies were a groovin' group until Tom Johnston and Patrick Simmons left and gave the reins to a smooth voiced but dull Michael McDonald. The Allman's deserve to be inducted into the Hall, too.

Billy Florio - January 06, 2003 - Report this comment

Hey! Dont make fun of Paper lace! lol...actully the clash definitly desearve to be in, but Lynyrd Skynyrd, and the Doobies should have gotten in in their first year of possibility. Chicago probably too, but I think their 80's stuff is kind of holding them back...ZZ Top will eventully get in, when people start to apprciate them more for their great contributions to blues rock ("Tush" is still one of my favorite blues rock songs)...My own prediction: Sabbath will be passed over again for the hall, and Ozzy will get even more furiated. Does anyone think its possible for Ozzy to get in the hall before Sabbath? Hmmm Ah, lets see....The following artists will still suck in 2003: Limp Bizqet Get up kids Nsync Back street boys Christina Agulara Mandy moore and whoever wins American Idol 2 Pete Townshed and Roger Daltry will still tour under the name The WHO, but will record a new album under a different name...it will suck, then finally theyll realize that there is no such thing as the WHO without John Entwhistle The Osbournes will win an American Comedy Award Time's man of the year will be....SImon from American Idol GNR's nes album "Chinese Democracy" will happen (the album, not the concept) and will be only the 2nd album in history to go Bronze (Having the most albums returned)...If anyone doesnt know what movie thats from, you have problems, or have never seen "This is Spinal Tap" and finally, It will be proven, that you can fool all the people all the time, as Celine Dions next album will go platnium....thats it

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